Fumbling around on Tumbler the other day I was confronted with this quote. Unlike most of my halfhearted personal social media surfing, this image was not one I simply scrolled past. It's words are true, and they hit me instantly.
We do have two sides, and for the most part they are very different. Sure, as you grow older you come into your own. But even with a slightly more adjusted feeling of security in your skin, there are still going to be those traits you don't share with others.
As a high schooler I spent most of the time trying to be someone I was not. Getting invited by the "popular crowd" but hardly speaking at any of the events. My hopes were always to find an in with the creative group, though my lack of artistic ability and knowledge of hip music always stood in the way.
In college it became a bit easier, finding those who accepted me for the quirks and faults. Frankly, they lived with me, so like it or not they were stuck until our lease was over. But even then, there was a side not being shown. A personality that seemed hidden behind a wall of fear.
See, I am not a very interesting person. Nor am I very difficult to figure out. If you know me at all you know that I am vegan but fantasize every day about eating a juicy chicken sandwich. And you know I will put my work before everything else. You know I have a problem with voicing strong opinions, holding grudges, and forgiving. You have experienced my out of control crying sessions that elapse from months of holding in all feeling. And you are fully aware that the word love scares me more than anything, to me long term commitment should be saved for your cell phone plans and avocado plants.
But, some things you might not know are that I really do fear being alone. I deem myself to the inevitable as a coping mechanism. You might not know that I hold grudges and voice opinions because it hurts. It hurt to be left in the dust and it hurts to lose. And every time I say something it hurts even more knowing I let me feelings get the best of me. Work is only my every breath because I feel it is something that wont leave. I threw myself into a career because at the end of the day only I have the power to say goodbye. I wish I was more interesting, and could tell stories better. I wish that I liked to go out and meet new people but am socially awkward and can't muster the thought. I wish I called more, and didn't talk so loud. I think of weird things but fear saying them. I don't actually know all the much about music, and half the time when people ask if I know a movie or book I say yes and look it up afterwards.
At the end of the day we are all the same. We are all fighting the battle of being our true selves. It is hard, and it is scary. But just think, what could go wrong? How terrible would it really be to say what you feel and be who you are? We can't be these awkward teenagers forever, one day we have to grow up.
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